


편히 쉴 수 없는 숨이 돼

by cenji



Category: JBJ (Band), Produce 101 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Open ended, and I Know You Know team, and kinda dongpaca, except I kinda completely forgot about Haknyeon, features Knock team, side-pairing yongguk/kenta, sry Haknyeon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 22:41:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12177924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cenji/pseuds/cenji
Summary: I apologise in advance.The formatting of this is horrid but I'm too tired to fix it rn. Will come back later.Un-betaed, feel free to point out typos or whatever!





	편히 쉴 수 없는 숨이 돼

**Author's Note:**

> I apologise in advance.  
> The formatting of this is horrid but I'm too tired to fix it rn. Will come back later.  
> Un-betaed, feel free to point out typos or whatever!

一 

He hid it so well for two whole months. Only his father knew. His mother thought it was just some sort of flu, lingering through the summer. His friends were used to his allergies and poor immune system so didn't find it strange if he wanted space. For two long months, not another soul knew. On the first assembly of the second term, everybody found out. As a couple of seniors were presented with awards, Kim Shihyun started coughing. He hacked a cloud of soft periwinkle blue petals all over his front, then passed out in the aisle. People nearby snapped pictures. The kid from Busan unconscious on the floor, legs twisted, lips blue - a deeper shade than the one teardrop shaped petal still pressed to his pale cheek. There was no way to hide this - Kim Shihyun was in love. 

He's woken up by lunch time. He wishes he hadn't. Donghyun corners him as soon as he steps out of the nurse's room. He greets Shihyun with a broad smile and a stiff wave. 

"Hi! Let's get lunch." 

Donghan and Taedong join them as they're ambling to the cafeteria. Shihyun's still struggling to think of a good way to excuse himself when he gets all but manhandled on to a bench. There's a tray already on the table in front of him, holding chocolate milk and peanut bread. Three pairs of eyes observe him closely. He shuffles under their gazes, pulling at the old leather bracelet tied around his wrist. 

"Are they from school? Is it Jinyoung-hyung?" Donghan starts off, the first to break the suffocating silence. Then they're all off. 

"Is it Lee Gwanghyun? Because I know he liked you before." 

"Is it a girl? Is it Jiyeon-noona? Because I wouldn't blame you if it's Jiyeon-noona." 

"Is it one of us? You can say if it is - we'll still be friends." 

"You need to fix this." 

Suddenly Donghyun's hands are around his, warm and comforting. Shihyun startles out of a daze he hadn't noticed he was drowning in. Donghyun's large brown eyes are steady and sincere, an island of surety. Shihyun's urge to flee is stalled for a moment. 

"A noona I knew in Daejeon caught it. She left it too late before requesting surgery. Shihyun-ah, she survived but she still had blackouts and can barely speak anymore. The thorns seriously damaged her lungs. To this day she's never confessed to the person she loved. Please. It doesn't matter who it is, you should confess. We've all been worried about you." Donghyun bites down on his lip. He screws his eyes shut tight as the memories of the girl he'd known assault his vision. He doesn't withdraw his hands, holding more tightly on to Shihyun. Taedong rubs circles on his friend's back. Meanwhile, Donghan steals half of Shihyun's (untouched) peanut bread and swops it for a forkful of fries. 

"He's right," he nods, chewing on the bread, "You're white like a ghost. You've lost weight. We've hardly seen you all summer - you didn't even show up to Yehyun's birthday party... We're your friends. Quite apart from the disease, you ought to talk to us if there's someone you like that badly." 

Shihyun gulps. (It makes his throat burn). He opens his mouth to speak, but can't think of anything worth saying. He'd tried not to consider how his friends would feel should they find out. 

"I have to go," he croaks. He all but runs out of there. The rushing of blood in his ears helps to drown out his friends yelling after him. 

 

By the end of the day, he's drained and utterly fed up with the stares and endless speculation. Even his friends, although they mean well. The pitiful looks they attempt to hide are unwanted and their guilt-inducing questions are something he can't deal with. He can't tell them. He can't tell anyone who it is. He'll keep this secret till the end. Donghyun's noona in Daejeon didn't die and that's about as much as Shihyun is hoping for now. 

He decides it's OK to go to his favourite cafe to relax. This is a terrible idea, but he can't bring himself to care. Before he goes to catch his bus, Shihyun stops to chat idly with Gunhee and Hwanwoong. He wears a mask and scarf against the lack of cold. His friends are in their shirtsleeves. They stand near the bike sheds, people-watching as students haul their bikes out and speed away, pleasant autumn breeze whipping at their hair. A couple of students have mopeds which they stash here too. Out of the corner of his eye, Shihyun notices one carefully wheeling his scooter out of the crowded shed. Once out in the open, he retrieves a black jacket from the seat compartment and zips it up to his chin. He pulls his helmet down while students hurry around him. At last he revs off, constantly coming close to, but narrowly avoiding, knocking someone over. Standing here was also a terrible idea. Shihyun has to tear off his facemask when a coughing fit takes him over. Fat, lavender coloured petals flutter to the concrete. 

Gunhee ends up accompanying him to Knock. It's simultaneously both comforting and frustrating. Comforting that his friend cares enough about him to come hang out here when he's almost certainly got more important things to do. Frustrating because Shihyun doesn't exactly want someone here to witness him humiliating himself over again. That's what it is - humiliation - even if Shihyun's the only one who realises. 

Knock calls itself a juice bar on the sign outside, but it sells a plethora of snacks, teas, shakes and whatever concoctions the manager has come up with that month. It's decorated in blacks and purples and, when the two boys push open the door, some American pop song greets their ears from the speakers. The music video is playing on a TV mounted on the wall. Two girls are at the counter, giving their order to a bored looking waiter. Another waiter, younger looking, with glasses slipping down his face, is buffing tables. Seonho looks up and greets them with his usual cat-like smile. He must have raced here from school to already be in his black uniform and apron, working hard with barely a hair out of place. One glance at Gunhee's face and Shihyun knows he's not the only one wondering where the kid gets the energy. 

"Seonbae, you brought Gunhee-seonbae today too! Take a seat. Gimme one sec and I'll take your order, OK?" 

Shihyun tugs his facemask down to give Seonho a smile and a nod. (He doesn't speak. The raw, scratching in his throat has been getting progressively more painful since that confrontation at lunch). They take a seat, set down their bags and Gunhee comments, 

"This place seems nice. I can see why you'd like it , it sort of suits you." 

Shihyun balks at him. Gunhee giggles. 

"What?"

Clearing his throat uselessly, Shihyun utters,

"Isn't it too, sort of, dark to suit me? People like to tell me I look like a bunny, of all things. I don't think I suit here." 

Gunhee laughs harder at that. Shihyun winces, aware of Yongguk behind the counter, glancing at them while he washes glasses. 

"Everytime I've seen you outside of school, you've been wearing dark colours - black and so much grey and, oh, that military green jacket you were surgically attached to last year. Plus you're always stalking around with your earphones in." 

"I don't stalk," Shihyun mumbles in protest, unconsciously crossing one arm over his body. (The wire of his earphones digs into his forearm). Gunhee just grins at him. 

"What was it Seokhoon-ssaem called you before? The angel of death?" 

Shihyun groans. A smile tugs at his wan lips all the same. Trust Gunhee to remember that. "Well, you look more like that these days," the lanky boy adds sombrely. He reaches across the table to poke Shihyun's cheek. Shihyun pulls his facemask back up, batting Gunhee away and hiding his sickly features. He pretends not to notice the hurt in his friend's eyes.

"Afternoon! What would you two like today?" 

It's not Seonho. Appearing beside their table is a man with sandy blond hair, a pretty eye-smile, rough and handsome features, and shoulders you could do pull ups from. Gunhee looks dazzled. People are always dazzled by Daniel. Shihyun awkwardly stuffs his mask in his jacket pocket and gives his usual order - watermelon juice and an oatmeal muffin. Gunhee orders green tea lemonade and strawberry cheesecake, and ogles Daniel's bum as the waiter heads behind the counter. 

"Gosh," he summarises, twisting his overly long body back to face Shihyun, "Oh my." 

Shihyun snorts. Coming in from the staff room, a familiar face catches his attention. Shihyun tries not to peer at Yongguk and Kenta's hushed conversation, Yongguk's hand loosely holding Kenta's arm. 

"It's not him, is it?" Gunhee asks, eyes still sparkling from the force of Daniel's smile, "I don't think anyone could judge you if it were." 

Shihyun kicks him under the table, but there's no energy in it. He is hyper-aware of the person approaching their table. It's all he can do not to fold his hands in his lap like he's been caught doing something wrong. These days, just making eye contact with Kenta is a battle of will. 

"Shihyun-ah! I'm happy you came today. Is this a friend?" The manager of the cafe says this all in one swift breath, flipping his wavy, strawberry blond hair out of his eyes. His smile for his "favourite regular" appears just a little different today, Shihyun worries. He's barely mumbled an introduction for Gunhee when Kenta continues, "I heard you have the hanahaki disease. We suspected already, but I heard it's true!" He's distraught. The increasingly familiar guilt wells up in Shihyun's stomach. 

"Where did you hear?" he asks, as neutrally as he can. 

Kenta opens his mouth, then shuts it again tightly. After a moment's thought, he states dowerly, 

"On the plum-vine." 

"Do you mean grape-vine?" Gunhee checks, question marks swimming around his head. 

"That's the one." 

Shihyun groans again. It must be Seonho who gossiped about what happened at assembly. Well, why wouldn't he? How troublesome. Kenta gently shakes his shoulder. 

"Don't make that sound. This is serious. You know how serious it is, don't you? My junior in high school, his big brother-" 

"Sorry, but did you say you suspected already?" Gunhee butts in, cutting off Kenta's story. The manager nods and Gunhee's polite expression morphs into a forceful pout, "Can I ask how you suspected? We, his friends, didn't realise at all? We just thought he had the flu again?" 

Shihyun wants to tell Gunhee not to look so down. He was purposefully trying to keep them in the dark, so it's hardly their fault for not noticing. Shihyun wants to say all this, but his throat feels full of phlegm and he's scared of what will happen if he so much as parts his lips. 

"It's nothing much," Kenta pats Gunhee's arm, already endeared to the cute kid and his expressive face, "Yonggukkie was clearing up your things a few days ago and he found camellia petals under the tray." Oh. Damn it. 

"Sorry, Seonbae," Shihyun mutters, clamping his mouth shut as soon as the words are out. He's tried to be so careful. What a fuck up. What an absolute fuck up. 

"It's nothing," Yongguk dismisses, going back to his chores. Daniel comes out then, balancing their orders on a tray. Dongho barges through the staff room doors at the same time, carrying two huge basins of chopped fruit in his arms to re-fill behind the counter. 

"It's all the go in here," Kenta comments. His arm is around Shihyun's shoulder in a friendly gesture, absentmindedly rubbing the top of his arm. Shihyun's throat is tickling. His heart starts to beat too fast. He so wants to run away again. 

"Manager, let's leave the kids to it," Dongho calls, voice warm and rich. Kenta tsks, but moves to get up. He makes Shihyun promise that, if he needs someone to talk to, he knows he can go to one of them, that he won't keep everything inside. Shihyun just nods fervently to whatever Kenta has to say. He wishes he could keep everything inside. His life would've been easier if he could have just kept everything inside - instead of having stupid Kim Yongguk discovering his secrets. (Or having Yongguk's boyfriend offer such pure, unaffected concern and sympathy). 

As soon as the workers give them some distance, Shihyun can't hold it any longer. He coughs and a stream of blue petals tumble from his lips. Gunhee's eyes sting with tears. 

 

二 

The following day, Hyunbin drags him outside to have lunch with the usual crew before Shihyun has an opportunity to hide himself away. (Hyunbin's limbs are long and wild. There's no point trying to escape, Shihyun thinks, smiling ruefully). Shihyun doesn't want to talk, nor can he eat much - he has no appetite and eating hurts anyway. So he nibbles on a salad sandwich while conversations go on around him. Even so, he's aware of how they watch him. How they try to analyse the curt answers he gives when asked anything, picking them apart for clues about who Shihyun's given his heart to. How they tense up whenever he so much as clears his throat. 

His breath catches when he realises someone's asked him a question. He looks up from staring at his lap, directly into Sunghyuk's clear, open gaze. Shihyun tilts his head to show he's lost.

"The cafe or something you went to with Gunhee-hyung," Sunghyuk repeats, "Will you take me? Gunhee-hyung won't shut up about the lemonade - I want to try it too," Sunghyuk explains. 

"Or the waiters. He also won't shut up about them," Donghyun adds, rolling his eyes. Donghan and Taedong perk up like meerkats.

"Eh? Where is this place? I want to go. Is it far? Let's go after school."

"You're as bad as Gunhee if you're only going for the eye candy," Taedong points out, snickering at his friend. Donghan painstakingly explains that he is going to check out the eye candy strictly in order to tease Gunhee later on. Additionally, this is entirely different and classier and how could Taedong besmirch his good name this way. Shihyun's chest constricts with laughter. He tries not to let it burst out and is grateful when it seems like he's gotten away with it. The fit passes and he's back to the usual dull ache filling his insides.

Hyunbin magnificently steers the conversation to eye candy of a different order. The bookshop should have new magazines in and he wants to stop there on their way to browse. Yehyun agrees - a band he likes have a spread in some fashion magazine. Mention of the band sends Donghyun off on a tangent and pretty soon it seems like everyone's forgotten what began this conversation. At least, Shihyun can dare to dream. Spying Sunghyuk's innocent smile, he feels like a terrible person. 

He sets down his half-gnawed sandwich, finally giving up on pretending to himself that he'll finish it. He dabs his lips with a tissue and a light pink petal comes away. He scrunches the tissue up, hopefully before anyone has had a chance to notice. That can't be a good sign, the colour changing like this. Though, in a way, perhaps it _is_ good. He wants this pain to end, after all. 

It's a strange feeling going to Knock not on his own - and for the second day running at that. Without exactly meaning to, he had been protecting this place. It was _his_ , somewhere away from both school and his family. Now here he is, entering with Hyunbin, Donghyun, Donghan, Moonbok, Yehyun and Sunghyuk in tow. He knows his friends are getting involved because they care about him (also for lemonade and the hot waiters, but the caring about him bit too). It's also somehow nice to think that the workers who don't see him at school will have some proof that Kim Shihyun genuinely isn't a friendless wonder. He peeks at Yongguk as they're all noisily sitting around a table. The waiter's frowning at them. He turns his face back to whatever he's doing behind the counter when he spots Shihyun looking. Well, that's nice... Still, Shihyun doesn't think he and his friends are all that loud. Not compared to some of the groups of girls who patronise here. So maybe Yongguk's just having a bad day. (His stupid brain reminds him that Yongguk caught him looking. Shihyun stares hard at the table, praying that his blush is less obvious that it feels). 

"You guys want to order?" 

The waiter by their table is tall and slim, a cloth slung over his shoulder and his sleeves rolled up to his elbows showing tanned arms. He has a crop of messily styled, cherry red hair and would probably look much more the bad boy without the glasses hanging on a bright green cord around his neck or the little Iron Man logo sewn onto his jeans pocket.

"Youngmin-hyung!" Shihyun yelps in surprise. He regrets it right away. His voice comes out in an embarrassing squeak and his throat hates him for having said anything. He couldn't help it though. Youngmin's a friendly hyung whose tutoring might be the only reason Shihyun didn't fail History last term. He disappeared about a month ago. Worrying that they weren't close enough for him to pry, Shihyun's been left wondering on his own where the encouraging hyung who wrote raps about the first Sino-Japanese war had gone to.

"Hi, Shihyun-ah," Youngmin greets, pretending not to notice Shihyun's malfunctioning voice, "It's been a while since I was around, right? I've been visiting family, but I'm back now... Dongho said I've brought my accent with me," he jokes, throwing an unimpressed look to Dongho who's innocently discussing something with Yongguk behind the counter.

"Busan? Like Shihyunnie?" Donghyun asks. Youngmin looks down at him. His shoulders droop ever so slightly.

"Guess it's true then. Ha, oh well. What can I get you kids?"

They all gradually make their orders. Hyunbin flip-flops between raspberry-pomegranite and kiwi crush for so long that Donghan promises he'll get one if Hyunbin gets the other. Moonbok chooses to mix and match a juice drink and gets stuck fretting if he has the correct balance of colours. Hyunbin points out that it'll all be the same colour once it's squished, making Moonbok despair and add triple-extra carrots. Yehyun, despite having been on about eating cheesecake for the first time in months, dispatches Youngmin to find out what type of flour the scones are made of. In the end, he blows most of his pocket money for the week on buying one of each variety and asks if he can just have tap water to drink. Similarly, Donghyun had been saying he was looking forward to the fresh lemonade, but opts to ask Youngmin what he'd recommend. At Youngmin's suggestion, he orders a mango shake and kkae-gongjeong to share. (Shihyun thinks that's pretty far removed from 'just a lemonade', but who knows what goes on in Donghyun's head). Only Sunghyuk, the angel, uncomplicatedly orders what he'd already decided on without causing the waiter hassle. Finally, Shihyun asks for his usual watermelon juice and says he doesn't want anything to eat. He ignores how Youngmin's eyes twitch at how awful Shihyun's voice really sounds now.

The conversations go on around him - school and the baseball season and whether Donghan really has Park Haeyoung's number or is he talking out his arse. Shihyun does try to take part. It's difficult and painful to talk though, so there's not much he can do. Knock gets busy while they're sitting around. Yongguk and Seonho are together behind the counter, rapidly mixing orders. With so many people around, Shihyun's grateful not to have had a coughing fit yet. He must have spaced out again. He jerks when Yehyun jabs his arm with a pen. Shihyun blinks at Yehyun's apologetic mien in confusion till he realises the boy's gesturing over to Donghyun. When Shihyun looks at him, Donghyun is, for unknown reasons, blushing.

"I just wanted to ask - cos I was just wondering - I just was thinking that you seemed close to Youngmin-sshi. I mean, you called him hyung and all and he just seemed sort of - Well, yeah. So I was just wondering." Donghyun's blush has intensified to a brilliant peach. Shihyun's not sure how to interpret that so he scrambles to clarify quickly, 

"He's the guy I found who helped me with History before. He's a Business major, but he's really smart and a history geek."

Donghyun nods. He looks to be regaining his composure. It's odd to see him stumbling over his words like that.

"That was nice of him," Yehyun remarks, arranging his extra scones into a takeout box. 

"Yeah, it was. I had to pay, I mean. But he gave me a stupidly cheap price, even though I knew he was skint back then." Shihyun sips his juice. He doesn't want it, but he thinks vaguely that he has to put something in his stomach. His chest feels tight. He hopes that's all the extended speaking he'll have to do for a time. And yet, he notices how Donghyun hesitates, how he wets his lips. Shihyun can guess the question his friend is holding back. Despite knowing it'll cause a wrong impression, he quickly excuses himself to the gents. He needs to breathe for a moment.

The cafe has become even more loud. The relative quiet in the cramped bathroom is a relief. The cream tiles look grey under the dim light. _We match_ , Shihyun fancies, taking in his pallid, thinning face in the mirror. He grins. It comes out as a grimace. Shihyun turns away, leaning against the sink.

The light buzzes. Shihyun clears his throat and immediately starts coughing. He's sure the workers can hear him even with the bustle of the cafe, but he tries not to care. When it subsides, he sweeps ever splash of pink up from the tiles with the broom propped in the corner and leaves to go back to his friends, wishing that no one will say anything. As he manoeuvres his way by the counter, a hand clamps around his arm. Shihyun gasps. He looks up into Yongguk's intense, black eyes. 

"Take that," he orders. 

"Huh?"

"That." He snatches his hand away from Shihyun and points to a tray sitting just behind the counter. It holds a large white cup of tea the colour of pink grapefruit, as well as a seed roll stuffed with salad. "I got an order wrong. There's nothing wrong with it, it just wasn't correct," he explains, voice flat.

"Oh," Shihyun breathes, staring dumbly.

"If no one has it, it'll go to waste," Yongguk prompts, presumably wanting to get back to work. Belatedly realising what's going on, Shihyun moves to pick up the tray but stops himself before touching it. 

"I see. Is it really OK?" he peers up and forces himself to hold Yongguk's gaze despite the heat gathering in his cheeks. The waiter just nods with a grunt and abruptly turns back to work. "Thank you, Seonbae!" he croaks to Yongguk's back, unsure if the boy even heard him.

Picking up the tray, he carefully shuffles over to his table and flops into his seat.

"Did you order more stuff?" Sunghyuk asks.

"Ah," Shihyun tucks his fringe behind his ear and wonders what to say, "Sort of."

"What's the tea? It smells good," his friend enquires, leaning his nose close to the tray and wafting some of the steam towards himself. 

"Not sure." Shihyun extracts a shred of lettuce from the roll and pops it into his mouth. "So, what were we talking about?" he wheezes - content that he's not squeaking or in quite as much pain as he was earlier. This won't last for long, but he'll enjoy it while he can. Hyunbin tells him he's trying to recall the name of a song, but he can't remember the lyrics except for ' _I know (I know), You know (you know)_ '. Yehyun's diligently scrolling through his phone, trying to help figure it out. The others mostly appear frustrated that Hyunbin can't manage to describe the melody in anything other than hand gestures. Shihyun fishes out his phone to help Yehyun. He chooses not to acknowledge any strange looks Sunghyuk sends him.

三

Shihyun manages two weeks. That fortnight passes by easily, in a sense. So he's taken by surprise in the end.

Various things and nothing happen. His friends begin making it a habit to hang out in Knock. That might be for him or it might be for eye candy (or, in Sunghyuk's case, because the strawberry lemonade is Super Delicious). In any case, he's there a lot more than usual. Daniel and Dongho together leave each one of his friends with stars in their eyes at least once. Kenta continues to offer him hugs and make Shihyun promise that he knows he can talk Kenta's ear off if he needs to. There's a rising desperation to how the man presses this point. Shihyun supposes Kenta needs to feel useful, helpful in the face of something so awful. Shihyun reassures him that he knows - and feels like a horrible person each time. Yongguk continues to glare when he comes through the door with his noisy friends around him. Shihyun just looks away and tries not to be hurt.

Donghyun talks Youngmin into tutoring him in History too. In the past, Donghyun had been perfectly fine being a solid B in History. Taedong and Donghan don't miss the opportunity to tease the snot out of him about where on earth this sudden studiousness could possibly have sprung from. Later that same evening though, when they're all going their separate ways, Donghyun tugs Shihyun aside. It's after Donghyun should have split off for his own home, so Shihyun had already been anticipating something. He leans on a rusty metal railing ringing a grey dorm building, while Donghyun stands under a streetlight, anxiously scratching his neck and shifting his schoolbag from one shoulder to the other. Shihyun waits.

"Is it Youngminnie-hyung?" Donghyun finally blurts out. Shihyun shakes his head. "Really? Sorry. No, it's only... It'd make sense. You spent time together and he's a really nice hyung and good looking and all and..." Donghyun looks at him them. Shihyun doesn't know what he's supposed to do, so he holds his friend's troubled gaze and waits some more. "I don't think he'd reject you," Donghyun confesses, voice cracking.

Shihyun jerks up, 

"What?"

Donghyun flaps a hand in front of his face.

"Ah, not like that! Well, maybe. But, er..." he hastens to correct himself. Shihyun leans back against the railing and lets Donghyun collect his thoughts. It turns out that what he means is Youngmin wouldn't reject Shihyun outright. If the person who is loved accepts your feelings, even when they can't reciprocate them - allows you to stay in their life, despite not being able to love you the same way - then there's a chance the plant will stop growing. It's thorns won't swell. It's tendrils may even retract. The surgery to remove it becomes much easier under these circumstances, with minimal scarring or brain damage. Yes, Shihyun's heard about that too. Yes, he realises it's an option. Or rather, it would be if Youngmin were the one he loved. He tells Donghyun all this, but it's obvious his friend's not convinced.

Besides that incident, his other friends don't precisely tell him who it is they speculate he loves. He can sort of guess though. Gunhee's still going back and forth between thinking it's Daniel or Dongho, despite Hwanwoong's insistence that this says more about Gunhee's taste than Shihyun's heart. Sunghyuk seems to think it's one of the noona's from choir and makes Shihyun accompany him to a couple of practices even though Shihyun quit at the beginning of term. Taedong, Shihyun's sure, thinks it's one of their friend group. As for Donghan, he's caught him giving him a look with raised eyebrows when Kenta presses him with affection, and that makes Shihyun want to laugh out loud - if only that wouldn't inevitably result in a coughing fit and carmine petals all over the cafe. Only Seonho wonders openly if it's himself.

"Not your fault, Seonbae. I'm quite the catch."

"Don't joke about it!" Sunghyuk scolds. His lips are already quivering. Before the tears can gather, Seonho backs off, 

"Hey, sorry! Sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. But you know, I was just contemplating, if Seonbae doesn't confess, he'll need the surgery. Then if he comes in one day and is like 'who's Seonho?' ... I just don't know. I don't know what I'd do."

Right, that. As well as the physical scars, the potential organ damage, the surgical removal of someone's true love can affect their memory. The times they spent together with that person, the things that person did that made their heart beat faster - it can all be lost. Shihyun's not prepared for that. It's why he's always lying to his parents, telling them it doesn't hurt _so_ much, not so much as it seems.

"I don't think it really works like that," Yehyun speaks up, "Memory loss happens. But forgetting the other person completely? That's just an urban legend, I think."

"I don't know, Seonbae. They said my handsomeness was just an urban legend, yet here I stand."

Silence hangs like a brick until Moonbok bites out, 

"What the hell, Seonho?"

"You're not getting a tip," Donghan adds (as if they ever leave one). Seonho simply ducks his head and scurries away. Shihyun's grinning behind his scarf. 

"It's Seonho," he croaks, "I'm in love with Seonho." Donghan whacks him with the end of his own scarf for that and shakes his head despairingly. When Shihyun risks a glance towards the counter, he sees Yongguk handing rubber gloves to Seonho and piling dirty glasses and jugs and everything into the sink. So Seonho ran away and straight into dishwashing duty. Shihyun laughs secretly.

In this way days pass. On a Thursday morning, Shihyun's excused from PE. Rather than head directly to the library like he's supposed to, he meanders a long route around the grounds. It's drizzly and cool and dead leaves litter the ground. The sounds of traffic nearby, of students in the sports hall, they're muffled and distant. One lone bird sits in a half-bare tree, singing to the abyss. Shihyun enjoys it like this.

As he nears the bike shed, he jumps out of his skin when a hand slams over the high brick wall. It's followed by another hand, black hair slick with rain, and Yongguk tumbling ungracefully into the school grounds.

"Seonbae!" Shihyun gasps, wincing right after. Today isn't a good day for talking. Yongguk freezes, still crouched over, picking himself up and ineffectually dusting all the specks of mud and debris from his uniform. He turns his eyes to Shihyun and snaps upright. 

"Why are you here?"

"Free." Shihyun doesn't elaborate.

Yongguk's staring at him and Shihyun doesn't know what it means or how he's supposed to react. After a long moment, the older boy jerks his head for Shihyun to follow him and slips around a barrier into the bike shed.

"Were you skipping, Seonbae?" Shihyun asks curiously. Yongguk's leaning against someone else's moped, running his fingers through his messy hair. Not only his hair, his face and uniform too are all damp from the persistent drizzle. All Yongguk's really managing to do is push the moisture around. Shihyun digs a scarf out of his backpack and offers it to him. The older boy looks shocked for a second, before it melts away, back to a usual, neutral expression. 

"Thanks," he says, dabbing his face tentatively, "Skipping? Sort of, yeah. I went to see Kenta-hyung. He's moving house." 

Shihyun nods. He remembers Kenta mentioning searching for a flat closer to work. Of course Yongguk would want to help him move.

"Your boyfriend let you skip?" he questions, wry, head cocked to the side. Yongguk balks, eyes wide. He recovers himself and barks a laugh. 

"No. He yelled at me to leave after I'd carried most of his kitchen stuff upstairs." He sniffs, folding the scarf in his hands and adds, "He's not my boyfriend anymore, by the way." Shihyun can't help it, his jaw drops. Yongguk laughs at him. "It's been about a month. He said we should be friends and that my grades were suffering. I think he was embarrassed about dating a high-schooler - even though he's not much older than me. Well, I graduate in a few months, so it's not that bad. God, why am I telling you all this?" 

He's smiling, warm and bashful, and Shihyun makes an effort to do the same. 

"So, you're gonna win him back?"

"Hopeful. Here." He thrusts the scarf toward Shihyun, but the younger boy tells him to borrow it if he wants, it's easy to catch a cold in this weather. Yongguk vacillates for a moment, but finally threads the cheap black scarf around his neck. "I've wanted to ask you, are you ever going to confess?"

Shihyun's eyes find his feet and the dirty, pockmarked concrete. 

"I can't. It'd burden them." The words feel like needles slicing up his throat.

"It's not good to decide that on your own." Shihyun nods, unable to lift his head. Yongguk lets out a sigh. "It's up to you. People like to know they're loved though. Confessions aren't so difficult in the end. Well, whatever. I should figure out where I'm supposed to be now. Bye, Shihyun."

Shihyun lifts a hand to bid him goodbye, watching Yongguk's broad back striding away, his hands raised to block the heavy drizzle from his eyes and the scarf dangling around his neck. A moment later, Shihyun leaves the bike shed. He feels himself melting into the grey mist that's smothering the grounds. A cough gets him on his way to the library. When the bell for the next class goes, the students find him on the floor. Crimson petals, still damp with blood cover his face.

四

He wakes up in the hospital. Outside the window is a dark sky and the Moon like a silvery grimace. The TV in the corner is showing the evening news on mute. There are a handful of other beds in the room, a few with electric lamps buzzing incessantly. His mother rises from where she'd been perched stiffly on a metal chair nearby and approaches. Shihyun doesn't greet her. His mind is a fog. His insides ache. His throat feels more shredded than ever before. He remembers the rain on his shoes making patterns on dirty concrete. Yongguk's smile. A burst of red. His mother's eyes are red. It's very similar. She's shaking. She's angry.

"You're getting the surgery. I don't care what your excuses are, if you won't confess you need the operation. Don't think about another option."

Her voice is almost a shout. It sounds raw and Shihyun wonders how long she's been crying on her own. When her words hit him, he wants to protest. He's not ready yet. Who knows how much he'll forget, how many little moments will be stolen from him. The little moments are all he has. He loved, and it hurt, but it's precious to him... Nothing comes out. He can't seem to push sounds out beyond an awful wheeze. A petal flutters from his cracked lips on to the white sheets and he apologetically brushes it aside. His mother starts to sob again.

He's discharged that evening and spends the next five days at home in his pyjamas. He's not allowed to leave the house. His father, feeling guilty for having helped Shihyun conceal the disease originally, won't so much as let Shihyun go to the conbini. It's horrid.

His friends attempt to help. Moonbok and Hyunbin arrive after school on Friday with multicoloured slices of roll cake from a bakery they discovered. Shihyun pretends to pick at one. He's sure it's delicious, honestly - but he can't eat anything. Even if he could get it down his throat - his throat that feels like it's slowly closing up as the days wear on - the plant's thorns are swelling into his lungs, its tendrils clamping around his organs. He really can't stomach anything. He spends the visit sipping tea and trying to make them at ease despite how he can barely make his vocal chords work anymore.

Gunhee doesn't visit, but that weekend he's suddenly spamming Shihyun's phone with memes and clips of puppies doing things. That's not abnormal behaviour, he's just ramped the frequency up several notches. It stops as abruptly as it started, and Shihyun's left on a chilly Sunday afternoon with nothing to do and a distractingly silent phone. He learns later through Taedong that Gunhee had started sobbing in the middle of a study session at the library. Hwanwoong had resorted to dragging the boy away for bubble tea when consoling him had proven impossible.

[I'm sorry]

[Yeah well, its good your getting the surgery]

[Itd be better if youd confess]

[I can't. I'm sorry]

[I know]

[Gunhees making it worse for himself]

[Hes been reading horror stories online. Hes imagining the worst]

[I'm not gonna die, Taedongie!]

 

There's no reply for a long time. Shihyun goes back to marathoning dramas online. When his phone does buzz on the desk beside him, he ignores it until the scene he's watching ends. A confrontation in the rain. The girl's hiding away the pain in her heart, the boy's not ready to accept his feelings yet. It's an old show, so they barely touch, let alone kiss. There's an intensity in every fleeting glance though. Shihyun finds it hard to look away. When the theme song swells up, he finally checks his phone.

[Respectfully]

[Your priorities are sorta messed up Shihyun-ah]

 

Shihyun can't argue with that so he doesn't bother replying.

Yehyun and Sunghyuk rock up on Sunday after Church. The mist and drizzle that's been blanketing the town has gathered itself into a steady spitting rain. It's murky grey even in the middle of the day. Yehyun and Sunghyuk arrive with dripping umbrellas and a tray of steaming hot drinks with Knock's logo on the side. Shihyun's voice has come back to an extent, but he doesn't feel like using it. He hugs them and brings them to the living room where the electric heater is making it sweltering and dry. 

"We brought tea!" Sunghyuk announces, rolling the sleeves of his canary yellow jumper up before he hands out the hot paper cups. 

"Sunghyukkie remembered-" Yehyun begins. His voice is muffled as he tries to pell his hoodie off over his head and his shirt tries to come with it. "Agh, right," he wrestles the garment off at last, hair sticking out in every angle thanks to his efforts, "Sunghyukkie remembered you got a hot tea there before, but we didn't know which it was. I hope we got it right." 

Shihyun gingerly removes the lid of his cup. Straight away, a familiar scent, rich and sweet surrounds his senses. 

"Seonho thought it must have been cherry vanilla, but Yongguk guessed it was this red rice and pomelo one," Sunghyuk relays, "I didn't know they even served that, but I didn't think it was the cherry because that smelt very sweet. Did we guess right?"

Shihyun smiles. The tea's still too hot to drink, but the fragrance fills his nostrils; the steam on his face makes his skin tingle; the pretty pink colour reminds him of things that felt important, that no one remembers but him. His heart beats hard against the tight, thin tendrils of the plant. He tastes blood on his tongue.  
He nods. Yeah, they're right. 

 

Through some phenomenal effort (and, presumably, a large chunk of their savings) his parents manage to get his surgery booked for Wednesday morning at a private clinic. Donghyun contacts him the day before. Shihyun hasn't heard from Donghyun since before he collapsed. Moonbok suggested the boy wasn't coping well and Shihyun was scared to make things worse. He's in his room, folding laundry, considering what to take with him to stay at the hospital, when his phone buzzes. He scoops it up from his bed and lies down to answer. The smell of detergent from the pile of towels by his head is unpleasantly strong, but he doesn't bother moving beyond curling up on his side. 

[It's not to late]

[?]

[u know what I mean]  
[That person deserves to kno how u feel]

[That person doesn't love me]

[Even so. U'll harm urself more this way]  
[u don't kno what ur letting urself in for]

[That person doesnt even like me donghyun-ah]  
[It'd be a burden. I don't hav another option]

[You do]  
[Don't be so stubborn]  
[its not for u to decide if their burdened or not]

Shihyun puts his phone down and takes a long slow breath. He tries to see things from Donghyun's perspective. Donghyun, who still believes that it's handsome, kind Youngmin-hyung who Shihyun likes. Donghyun, who must have hoped to never witness the disease again after that noona in his hometown. 

[u know, the girls @ school have pm collectively decided ur a coward]  
[They were saying it's not rite to toss aside all ur memories w that person cos they probably mean something to the other person to]  
[I tried to defend u but it's rly hard]  
[sorry]  
[I didn't mean 2 go off @ u but i wanted u to kno how I feel]

[It's OK Donghyun]  
[I don't disagree. What I said b4 still stands]

Shihyun hesitates. He chews his lip. (He shouldn't. His lips are so chapped that the slightest thing makes them bleed). His heart is racing. That's happening increasingly often lately, so he's not sure why it's doing that anymore. Eventually, he types in a rush, then has to painstakingly retype when he sees he's typoed every single word. He presses send and shoves his phone under his pillows. He bites his nails and again wonders what on earth is making him so particularly nervous. 

[You'll come visit me after the operation, won't you?]

 

The lights are hot and so bright they make his eyes water. The surgeon looms over him, comforting words muffled by his surgical mask. The other doctors and nurses are like shadows in the periphery of his vision. Another masked figure leans close to him and says something, but Shihyun can't seem to make sense of anything they say. Their murmurations and the intermittent beep of machines drift together. He closes his eyes against the light and doesn't open them again till Saturday. 

 

五

The tiny courtyard is the closest thing the clinic has to a garden. There are a scattering of wooden benches, big flower beds that look scrappy and abandoned, and a lot of trees in pots. The flowers aren't fairing well with the cold snap. Apart from the few surviving flower heads, the evergreens deep green needles provide some of the only colour. Them and Shihyun's bunny slippers. His dad told him one of his friends sent them as a joke, but they're cozy, so Shihyun doesn't care how childish he looks. Besides, the only person here to judge him is the bald woman smoking cigarette after cigarette and stubbing them out on a tree's clay pot. She and Shihyun are the only two people willing to put up with the weather, her to smoke in peace and him to read his book. 

Or pretend to. He's been stuck on page 52 for nearing an hour. Absentmindedly, he scratches his chest. They informed him he had heart trouble, that's why he's there. He remembers that his heart hurt. He thinks he does anyway. What's real and what's his imagination, it's all fuzzy. 

He still can't speak much, but it's better than when he just woke up after the surgery. His parents had rushed in together and hugged him tight. The pressure made his skin ache as if he were bruised all over. He hugged them back weakly. He heard his mother's voice in his hear, but it didn't register. She pulled back and repeated the question, a quiver entering her voice despite her best efforts. His father rubbed her back. Her question gradually slotted into his head and he nodded. He opened his mouth to assure her that he felt OK, he was fine. Nothing came out. His throat was dried out and unused to speaking, but really, he simply couldn't remember how to make it work. That came back to him in the subsequent days, how talking worked. Even now though, some words flutter beyond his grasp until his doctor or someone else forces him to repeat them until they stick. 

_What's it called when it's like the sky is shouting?_  
_What was the delivery girl riding? It's like a bike but it roars._  
_What are the things on the flowers called? The colourful bits._

Shihyun buries his head in his book. It's so embarrassing. He's going to go back to school in a few days and he's still forgetting the weirdest things. They do come back once someone teaches him. But he just knows he's going to muck up and humiliate himself at school. He's sure of it. 

"You alright, kid?" the bald woman enquires amiably on her way back inside. 

"Yeah, I'm alright. Just thinking," he replies, picking himself up and offering her a wobbly smile. 

"Don't do too much of that, alright? And don't stay out much longer. It's one thing me ruining what's left of my health - there's still hope for you."

He promises her he will as soon as he's finished this chapter (despite knowing himself that there's no room in his head right now for the book's dense love story). Concern assuaged, she shuffles away, leaving Shihyun alone. The grey afternoon is quickly deepening. The courtyard's lights will come on soon. Until then, he's adrift in the half-light. Pinching a trembling splash of red from one of the neglected flowers, he holds it on his fingertip and appraises what he has. 

"You're a petal," he says aloud, his doctor's voice in his head, "Petal." He squashes it between his thumb and forefinger and examines the brownish stain it leaves, "You're... What are you?" Words clutter up behind his eyes so he can't pick any of them apart. His head aches again. He decides he'd better take that woman's advice and go inside. When he gets up, he stumbles, he was hunched on the bench in the cold too long. He presses a hand over his heart to steady his breathing. He is stopped short by a delicate ice-white shape low in the sky.  
"You're the Moon. You're always there," he tells it, an uncertain smile tugging at his lips. 

 

His first day back goes less badly than he'd anticipated. He doesn't forget any words. However, after lunch, he discovers one significant problem. He has to get to Physics and, as he's throwing his rubbish in the bin and fretting about how much catch-up work he'll have to do, he realises with a start that he has no idea where the physics lab is. Moonbok kindly shows him the way before rushing off to doubtless be late for his own class. 

Another sort of problem is that there are, apparently, rumours circulating about him. Shihyun can't really get a handle on it. It seems like some people thought he left because of a girl. It's funny. He's sure whatever they're imagining would have been more exciting than floating about that hospital for the last ages. Therefore, as of now, it's only a sort of problem. Although, Shihyun would love it if kids he doesn't even know would quit glancing at him funny. 

Shihyun thinks that's all. He's relieved. The final bell has rung and he's loitering outside the front gate with Yehyun and Hyunbin. Out of the blue, he's being hugged. The perpetrator disengages quickly and Shihyun looks up into a young, simpering face. 

"Seonbae! I'm happy to see you."

Shihyun blinks a few times, having to struggle for a name.  
"Seonho-yah," he grins, feeling things slot into place in his head, "I'm happy to see you too."

"I can't stop," the kid admits - and the way he's bouncing at his knees makes it seem like he's ready to bolt at any moment, "But are you coming to Knock today? Kenta-hyung's been super worried. And Dongho-hyung bought you a teddy. I'm supposed to lie and pretend it's from me, but I don't want to. So are you coming?"

The stream of words and names leaves Shihyun a little overwhelmed. He's pushing himself to connect those names up to faces hiding in his memories, and is immensely thankful when Yehyun answers,  
"Probably. We're waiting for Donghand and... Taedong?" Hyunbin shrugs. "Maybe Taedong," Yehyun concludes, "We'll see you there." 

"OK. Bye!" Seonho yells, already sprinting away. 

Yehyun purses his lips. He places a hand on Shihyun's - still much too thin - shoulders.  
"We didn't ask you actually. We just assumed. Do you want to come? If you'd rather head home and relax, we'd all understand." 

Shihyun grins,  
"Don't worry. I'd like to." He pauses then, tossing the name Seonho had mentioned around his mind to see what sticks. _Knock_. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots Yehyun and Hyunbin exchanging glances. 

"Do you remember the place?" Hyunbin asks, rubbing his nape awkwardly. Shihyun laughs behind his scarf. They're randomly so nervous around him. It's silly. 

"I remember, Hyunbinnie. Knock. Nice Japanese hyung as a manager. Good looking waiters. Inside's all black and purple, sort of like one of Gunhee's dirty comics. Tasty cheesecake." 

"What's this about Gunhee's porno comics?" Taedong rests his hands on Hyunbin's shoulders as he strolls up, leaning against the excessively tall boy's back. 

"Nothing much," Yehyun chuckles, "You coming to the cafe? ... No Donghan?" 

Taedong rolls his eyes and informs them that Donghan is otherwise engaged. He has taken up modern dance because last weekend he found out that Lim Nayoung seonbae attends an academy in the city. Taedong is one hundred percent unimpressed with his best friend's latest attempt at a love life. Whilst they ramble to the bus stop, they weigh up Donghan's chances of getting any.  
(Not High is the general consensus). 

(Hyunbin points out that Donghan's "not ugly" and gets shoved). 

On the bus journey, Shihyun scratches his chest nervously. It's been a long day, he tells himself. He's had to crank his brain hard to keep up with reacquainting himself with everyone at school. Now here are more people he apparently knows. He's tired. He supposes that's why his heart keeps skipping. 

The teddy is a rabbit. It's about 30cm tall, has beady eyes and a navy blue bow behind it's ear. Shihyun likes it a lot. He sits it on his lap and tells Dongho thank you with a smile that won't leave his face. Dongho isn't quite manning up to being the one who bought it. 

"Well, one of our favourite regulars was going through a tough time. Naturally we were all thinking about you," he rambles cagily, sweeping a hand through his hair, cheeks dusted pink. He has momentarily taken a seat beside Hyunbin, who can't take his eyes off the older man even whilst shovelling more cheesecake into his mouth. "We thought Seonho or Yongguk could give it to you, but they didn't know where your hospital was." 

Shihyun's eyes travel from startstruck Hyunbin back to Dongho. He has a bit of trouble processing what the man just said, but he guesses he's not missing anything important. 

"It's alright. I might have lost her there. Thank you, Hyung." 

Dongho coughs,  
"Yes, well, I'm sure there's work I ought to get back to." 

"There is, Hyung!" Daniel pokes his head around the staff room door. He has two big boxes of mangoes in his arms. "Delivery came in." 

Dongho bids them enjoy their drinks and disappears to help Daniel haul the newly arrived stock in. 

"You got a bunny," Taedong points out once he's gone, amusement evident. 

"I did," Shihyun agrees, distracted by trying to take a photo of said bunny 'drinking' his watermelon juice. 

"What do you suppose his workout plan is?" Hyunbin ponders, eyes on the remains of his cake, mind still on the ripped Jeju-man who just left them. "One without cheesecake probably. Frick," he reasons, spearing a lost morsel with his dainty fork. 

At the counter, Youngmin is serving a large strawberry crush with curly couple straws to a pair of shy college girls. When he's done and the girls have slipped into a corner table to whisper together, he comes out and lean against a table near the high school boys. 

"You'll stick around for a bit, right? Kenta will pop in in about a half an hour, he said. He'd like to see you." 

"Yes, definitely," Shihyun blabs right away, "I mean, that would be nice." In his head, he can picture Kenta's face and he knows that Kenta was kind to him, treating him like a dongsaeng despite him just being some kid who likes to blow his meagre spending money at Kenta's place. That's it though, more or less. Particular things he said, specific moments - that's all very hazy. His brain can only dredge up snatches here and there. It's awfully confusing. However, there is a persistent feeling that dogs him. A feeling that Shihyun did something terrible to this person. Perhaps not 'did something', maybe he simply treated him very badly. Shihyun's sure this is true. His brain presents it as a fact, cool and solid, 'you were horrible to him'. Shihyun tugs at the rabbit's bow and wonders what he did. 

"A date? They got back together?" 

Shihyun peeps up at Yehyun's startled face. Drat. He's lost the thread of the conversation again. 

"Yep," Youngmin grins, scratching his neck bashfully, "Persistance will get you everywhere, kids. Bear that in - Ah, gotta go." 

The waiter darts off to serve some customers who've entered. Guiltily, Shihyun's a little happy. That was turning uncomfortable for him, even if not for anyone else present. He doesn't know why he's like this now. 

"Would it be bad if I ordered more cheesecake?" Hyunbin asks, glum eyes on his plate, lips fixed in a pout. 

"Only if you don't share?" Yehyun suggests. 

"Is something wrong, Hyunbinnie?" Taedong prods the boy's head until he looks up at them. With that, Kenta and whoever's dating whoever are left aside while they tackle Hyunbin potentially failing Biology and how to avert it.  
(Also, whether a six-pack would make Kahi-ssaem more likely to pass him). 

(Kahi has a six-pack of her own, so the answer is Possibly). 

Forty minutes later, their drinks are all finished, Hyunbin has been talked out of drowning his sorrows in cake, and they've almost forgotten why they're waiting around. The door opens and a man steps in from the busy, cold evening. He has orange-ish hair, long and in waves, fringe falling across one eye. His smile shows white, crooked teeth. Another man comes in behind him, taller, with broad shoulders and a thick charcoal grey coat wrapped around him. 

"Shihyun-ah? Oh my gosh, Shihyunnie!" Before he can blink, Kenta's marched over to their table. He squeezes himself in between Yehyun and Shihyun and wraps the latter up in a brief hug. The other man drifts over. He leans against a chair, his coat folded over his arm now, and watches with a half-smile. 

"Hello, Kenta-hyung. Did you miss me?" 

"Did I - Aa, this kid. Hyung missed you a lot. I was very worried about you! Did Dongho give... Oh, he did give you the bunny. I bet he made Seonho say it's from him, but it's not. Dongho bought it off his own batter. We've been calling her Rcy, but you can choose a more you like name if... wait..." 

The tall man chuckles,  
"You should slow down, Hyung. Your Korean's turning weird." 

"Right," Kenta blushes. He turns to his companion and adds, "I can't help it. I'm happy. I know you are too." 

The man laughs again and doesn't disagree. They reach out their arms to each other and tangle their fingers for a moment. It's pretty. They must like each other a lot. Shihyun feels warmth rising up his neck. He chances a peek at the tall man, but snaps his gaze back to his empty glass. The man's intimidating, despite his smile. He looks dark and cool and Shihyun feels stupidly shy around this guy he's never met. Still, he worries if he appears rude to Kenta. Because of this, when he next has a chance, he leans closer to the manager's ear and asks softly, 

"Hyung, won't you introduce us?" 

Kenta twists to face him. His eyes are wide, his mouth open. Shihyun mentally curses himself. He's mucked something up again. 

"Introduce you?" Kenta checks, voice cracking. 

"Yes? I'm sorry, my memory's still not good, if we've met before..." He makes himself look into the stranger's eyes. The man rubs his cheek pensively. Shihyun doesn't know how to read his expression. It's distracting, because every time he meets the man's eyes, Shihyun's stomach knots up again. "But I don't think we have met." 

"Are you sure?" Kenta asks him, voice too high. Shihyun laughs nervously. Taedong and Yehyun are staring at him. Hyunbin's eyes are flitting between him and the tall man and Kenta who looks mid-breakdown. Oh god, oh hell. Shihyun could cry. He's done something wrong. This is horrible. Why can't his brain work like it's supposed to? 

"I'm sure. I'm sorry. I... I'm still..." 

"That's OK," the man cuts off his stammering, "I'm Yongguk. I go to your school." 

"Oh," Shihyun mumbles, feeling eyes around boring into him, "It's nice to meet you, Seonbae." 

The man - Yongguk - smirks, or something like that. He rolls his neck and pushes himself into a standing position. 

"Yeah. You too, Shihyun. I'm gonna go greet Daniel and Dongho-hyung." 

Kenta says he'll go too and scrambles to follow his boyfriend. They leave in their wake an atmosphere thick and tense. Taedong clears his throat. 

"So... So, what were we talking about before?" 

Shihyun lets his three friends stumble to pick up a thread of conversation. He's too lost in his thoughts to join. Was he supposed to remember Yongguk? It feels like it from their reactions. But there's nothing. The name conjures not a glimpse nor glimmer from his memories. They can't have met. He's sure he'd remember someone like that - imposing figure, soft hands, graceful stride, and eyes that flash like a snake. 

零 

"Oi, you go to my school." 

Later on, Yongguk will question why he said that. He doesn't generally go around introducing himself to first years. Until that moment, Yongguk had been peacefully crouching in the alley beside Knock, staring into space. He was technically on a fag break, but Yongguk didn't smoke. Instead he took the opportunity to clear his head - breathe the unconditioned air and watch the sky turn pink over the traffic-clogged street. The wispy clouds massed above were tinged with gold. It felt odd today. The air was dry and electric. It'd probably thunder later. 

When the kid dragged his head up, Yongguk saw, even from a distance, how his eyes were red and puffy. 

"Oh, Seonbae." 

He sniffled. Yongguk was stuck then. He wasn't cruel enough to wave the kid away when he was like that. Shihyun approached cautiously. He was wearing black jeans, a black t-shirt and this huge, olive green jacket that made his small frame look even tinier. Yongguk noticed a pair of expensive looking headphones around his neck, orange wire trailing into the depths of his jacket. 

"Seonbae, do you work here?" his big, round eyes took in Yongguk's uniform and he looked impressed. That was funny. Yongguk's job wasn't anything impressive. 

"I... yeah. Listen, have you eaten?" 

Shihyun shook his head. Yongguk wondered. It was 7pm already. This squirt couldn't be more than 15. He was alone, and Yongguk knew he'd only moved recently. Yongguk wondered, but it wasn't his place to ask. 

"My hyung left pizza earlier. Do you want to come in and grab a slice?" 

Yongguk wanted pizza. He also wanted something to say to this kid who wouldn't quit looking at him. But the boy stood stiffly with one arm across his body, nervously fidgeting with a leather bracelet. He visibly relaxed when Yongguk amended, 

"Or we could eat here. More chill here. Stay, alright?" 

The kid nodded obediently and it was all Yongguk could do not to laugh. A minute later, he came back with a paper plate holding two large slices of cold pizza, pushing the backdoor open with his shoulder. They ate quietly, Yongguk crouching down comfortably and the kid leaning against the wall. Shihyun began to smile, unshed tears drying from his eyes. He politely told Yongguk, "Thank you, Seonbae." Yongguk thought the 'seonbae' was funny too, but he didn't feel like doing anything about it. As they finished, Yongguk decided he may as well give in to his curiosity. 

"Just now, you looked like you'd been crying. Did something happen?" 

The kid startled. He laughed nervously and brushed a hand through his long black hair. Yongguk watched, waiting for him to stupidly pretend it was nothing. Except, that didn't happen. The kid caught his eye and stopped short. Whatever he'd seen, he tentatively started speaking. 

"It's just my parents. Well, because we just moved here, but actually my dad's still down in Busan and he and Mum are, er, they're not getting on well." 

He was still trying to downplay it, but as he continued to talk things became clear. Yongguk thought it was clear, anyway. His parents were having slanging matches down the phone and it had all become too much when Shihyun must have had plenty of his own problems to deal with already, trying to adjust to a new school, new city, new friends. It'd been like that when Yongguk's mum had first moved to America. Although, in her case, she never came back. Yongguk didn't want to, but he couldn't help but sympathise. 

"That's shit. Come here again if you need to, if they're being shit again. I'll give you employee discount, since you're a hoobae." 

The last part had been a joke. But Shihyun beamed and Yongguk's breath caught in his throat. 


End file.
